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Making Final Arrangements

Kansas City HospiceGuest Blog

Making final arrangements for a terminally-ill loved one by Marie Marley, Volunteer at Kansas City Hospice

No one wants to make arrangements for the death of a terminally-ill friend or family member. It’s painful to think about any loved one’s eventual passing, but it’s important to make the arrangements sooner rather than later. In fact, it’s best to do it when you first learn your loved one has a terminal diagnosis. Why? Because once you have taken care of all the plans, you can just relax and enjoy spending whatever precious time you have left together.

Your loved one may have already made some arrangements or have very specific requests. The earlier you can discuss options with them, the better for the entire family.

There are other reasons as well. One is that you’ll save yourself untold stress when your loved one does pass away. When you’re grieving and not functioning at your best, you won’t have to rush around making a multitude of arrangements, gathering needed documents and information, making important decisions, and performing a whole host of other tasks, many of which have to be completed quickly.

More importantly, you’ll have time to visit with your closest friends and family at the time of the death. These persons will be critical providers of emotional support for you. If you haven’t made the needed arrangements, you’ll be so busy you won’t have much time to spend with them.

Although you can’t arrange everything in advance there are several tasks you can complete. You can include your loved one in the planning (unless he or she has Alzheimer’s or another dementia), but if you don’t you should find a friend or family member who can help you. That will make it a little less daunting.

Medical and legal issues

Hopefully your loved one will already have a living will, power of attorney and durable power of attorney for healthcare. If they don’t you should encourage them to execute these documents as soon as possible. This will guarantee that their wishes regarding their end-of-life care will be carried out. The documents will provide instructions as to whether they want heroic measures taken to extend their life, whether they want a Do Not Resuscitate order and other issues.

If you’re the parent or guardian of a terminally-ill minor you won’t need these documents. For a mentally disabled adult who can’t execute the documents, however – such as a person with dementia or severe mental illness – you may have to go to court to gain guardianship of the person, especially when family members don’t agree on what to do. This is a costly and drawn-out process.

Pre-planning final arrangements

Burial location

If you’re planning to have a traditional burial and your loved one doesn’t have a plot, select a cemetery and purchase one. You can also look into headstones at this time.

Disposition of cremains

If the person will be cremated, determine where you want the cremains to be placed. And when you’re making those arrangements, which it’s best to pay for in advance, take time to select an urn. This can be an especially gruesome task that’s best dealt with before the time of need.

Call list

One of the first things you will have to do when the person dies is inform family members and friends. This can be immensely draining. It’s a good idea to prepare a list, including phone numbers, of people who will have to be notified. You don’t have to call all of the people yourself. You can indicate on the list which friends and family members you’d like to make each specific call on your behalf. That way you can reduce your burden by calling only those few people who are closest to you.

Obituary

Obituaries need to be sent to newspapers promptly. You can write it or have someone else prepare it. Start by collecting all the needed information. This will include important dates and other information about the person’s life, such as what years they were in the military (if applicable), the specific years they worked at a particular company, the year they married, the spelling of any names you might not know, and any other details you’d like to include.

Also, select a photograph if you want to have one displayed in the obituary. Finally, record the phone number of the newspaper(s) where you want the obituary to appear.

Veterans

If your loved one is a veteran, there are special considerations. Burial at a national ceremony may be an option. Military honors are often available for the service itself. One of the social workers or chaplains at Kansas City Hospice can advise you.

Preparing a memorial service

Eulogy

It takes time to prepare a thoughtful, well-written eulogy. The first step is to determine whom you’d like to deliver it and then ask them if they will do it. Have that person write as much as possible in advance. If you want to deliver the eulogy yourself, go ahead and prepare it, getting any help you may need from a friend or family member who is a gifted writer.

Funeral

Go to a funeral home and make (and pay for) all the needed arrangements so when the time comes all you have to do is place one call to them.  Also, if you want to make any remarks at the funeral, prepare them now. Give some thought to other people you may want to speak and ask them in advance. This is also a good time to select the music you want played and investigate potential performer(s) if you want live music. Other tasks include designating pall bearers, selecting any prayers you want read, making up the official program, selecting the person you want to officiate, and choosing a religious speaker if you want one.

Reception after the funeral

If you plan to have some sort of reception or meal after the funeral, figure out where you want to have it. If it will be in someone’s home, pick out a caterer unless you will ask your guests to each bring a dish.

Memorial service (If you plan to have one)

Think about where you’d like for it to be held. Prepare a framed photograph if you plan to display one at the service. Other duties are the same as those for a funeral service.

Summing up

Making final arrangements for a terminally-ill loved one who is still living can be very stressful and may feel macabre, but it will not be as agonizing as having to do it at the time of their death. Remember that your care team is there for you. If you are experiencing anticipatory grief, our grief specialists are available to you. Social workers are available to assist you with everything from family dynamics to financial resources. And, our caring chaplains are always a great resource for both spiritual issues and pre-planning a service.

Marie Marley is the award-winning author of the uplifting book, “Come Back Early Today: A Memoir of Love, Alzheimer’s and Joy” and co-author (with Daniel C. Potts, MD, FAAN) of “Finding Joy in Alzheimer’s: New Hope for Caregivers.”

About Us

 
The mission of Kansas City Hospice & Palliative Care is to bring expert care, peace of mind, comfort, guidance, and hope to people who are affected by life-limiting illness or by grief. Our vision is that each person in our community is valued from life through death and each family is supported in their grief.

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